As a part of the positive intentions that I plan to employ in my (daily) struggle for fullfillment, I have decided to return to keeping a journal. I have things to say, thoughts to contribute and mostly I have shit to get off my chest. My mind never shuts off, and even in my most zoned and dilerious states, its always grinding through some internal mess. I need to vent, I need to release the things that distort me at times because once those troubles mix and mingle with the air around me… they have a way of disapating. I have a way of holding on to my internal problems in such a profoundly tight way that I can physically feel when I actually am able to release them. But, thats not all that this is meant to be about for me. I just simply have a very opinionated role to play in this world. Im not necessarily one to stand up and voice it to millions, but I can and do yell it as loud as I can and you know when your with in ear shot of my ramblings. I want to share that, and simply remove the elated, the disappointed, the embarrasing and the comical thoughts and ideas that have cluttered my head. As so…. I shall.

All I know is that life is too short to wasting away, week by week, day by day….minute by painful minute doing something that doesnt satisfy me. The most accomplished I feel on any given Monday through Friday is the joy I feel knowing that I made it through the day without looking at the clock, sighing, as many times as I did the day before. As in, I was able to distract myself better today then ever before. Its bad enough that my job title should officially be Self-Distraction Engineer. I plan to start living – wait….. WAIT! I believe the first step in relieving myself of this disatisfaction is to STOP THINKING I CAN PLAN EVERYTHING. I just consciously wrote “I PLAN TO START LIVING”. Im going to make lists of how I can start life, read books on how to live more adventurous and watch specials on TV about being truer to myself. Thats the plan…..maybe Im further gone then I thought. But, that’s it, Ive had it!

Im going to stop thinking, stop researching, stop LISTING how to live and just go DO IT.

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future, as if figuring it out will somehow cushion the blow, but the future is always changing, the future is the home of our deepest fears and our wildest hopes, but one thing is certain, when it finally reveals itself, the future is never the way we imagined it.